I just saw a hot homeless man
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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