her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I am one with the molecules
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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