so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
