The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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