Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
