i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
