Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
