are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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