I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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