Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
