i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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