Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
