I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
