All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
