In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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