just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
