I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
