she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
