then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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