Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
