2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
