i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
