I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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