I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
