I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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