she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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