Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
nutella sex= disaster
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
