There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
