he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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