Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
