oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
We smell like vodka and hangover
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