There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
