its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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