Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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