please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
