Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
