I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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