I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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