her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
