The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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