Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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