I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
