I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
