Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
