i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
