You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
