Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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