people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
