Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He called his prostate his "boner button".
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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