This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
