i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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