Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
