last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
